I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
