Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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