I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
