eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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