8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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