i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
