My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
