All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
