I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
