he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
