She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
