Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
