omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
