I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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