new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
