I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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