Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
