You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
