i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
