Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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