Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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