Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
