New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
