Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
