I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
