Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
