DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
