can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
