Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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