the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
