Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
