My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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