she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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