We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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