I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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