Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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