I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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