Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
