He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
