walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
