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i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Semen is not good for contacts.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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