T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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