checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
