just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
