New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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