I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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