Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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