If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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