You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
