Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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