Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize