Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
