I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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