I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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