I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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