Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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