Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
