Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
