I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
