My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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