i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
it's like iHOP with fire
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
