His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
