Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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